Desultory Thoughts

I was looking at some server logs today and noticed that somebody found this site by searching for “Tooele Jokes” on Google.  It may have been just coincidence that just yesterday I read an article in the Deseret News [deseretnews.com] that wrapped up the article by knocking on Tooele.

I’ve been living in Tooele, Utah for about 10 months and it didn’t take long to realize that I really like it here.  If I’m being honest, I’ll have to admit that I was on the joke-making end of things before I moved here.  I can’t even tell you why I made jokes; maybe because everyone else did?

Now my question is, why?

When I first moved here I used to make excuses (even to people who lived in Tooele!) about the reasons we were moving here.  I feel horrible for it now, because there is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about living in this wonderful city.  The commute is only 35 minutes away from Salt Lake City, it still has a small town feel (although that seems to be changing quickly as more and more people decide to make Tooele their home), and the house prices aren’t ridiculous (although that’s also changing…but comparatively we will always have cheaper house prices than the Salt Lake valley).

I’m a big believer in the adage “if you can’t make fun of yourself…” and so I can take a joke or two about Tooele and I can even tell a joke or two about Tooele, but what’s the draw?  I don’t even really know myself and I used to be one of the joke-makers.  It has to be more than just the interesting spelling/pronunciation, right?  Throw in a chemical spill joke, an inbred or hick joke, a small-town joke, BFE jokes, and what else is there?  Oh yeah, the bad grammar.

A colleague at work could tell us a few.  He seems to rip on Tooele non-stop and he’s not ashamed to do so.   Perhaps he can share a few with us?  In fact, if you know a good Tooele joke, post a comment.  Let’s get a good collection going so that when people find this blog by searching for “Tooele Jokes,” they won’t be disappointed.

I’ll start.

When I first came to Tooele I noticed myself doing things that I would never have done when I lived in South Jordan; things that made me realize “I had arrived”- this was my new home.  For example, I started cutting across parking lots, wearing dirty clothes to Walmart and hanging out there, and I think I even spit out my window once.  Oh yeah, and I let my son run around in only his diaper, all the time!

Obviously for all of us who live here in Tooele, none of these things are true and these generalisms do not accurately describe the population of Tooele.  Not so obviously for the people who don’t live in Tooele and have never even driven through Tooele, the jokes about Tooele are NOT TRUE!  Maybe the chemical jokes will come to an end soon enough as the Deseret Chemical Depot closes down in a few short years; the chemical agent is close to being completely destroyed.

Whatever your reason is for poking fun at Tooele, I’d like to hear it.  I really don’t care that anyone makes it the butt of their jokes, I’m just curious as to why?  Who instilled in you that Tooele is something to be made fun of and someplace you wouldn’t want to live?

If you’ve moved here from Salt Lake Valley or someplace else, what is your take on Tooele?  Have you overcome your stereotypes?  Are you starting to question (like I am) why you ever made fun in the first place?

So post your opinions, comments and questions…and jokes!

One of the characters in “Prison Break” [fox.com/prisonbreak] is named Westmoreland who everyone thinks may be the infamous D.B. Cooper [wikipedia.org]. He has denied it…until tonight when he revealed his secret to Michael.

“The money’s buried under a silo at the Double K Ranch, just outside of Tooele, Utah. There’s plenty to split.” C-Note and Michael listen closely, “The government didn’t want any more embarrassment when I took off with that money, so they low-balled it in the papers. Truth is, Michael, it’s not one million under that silo, there’s five million dollars there.”

They even pronounced it correctly! I was surprised. Tooele is pronounced “too-will-a” for those who missed the episode. I’ve lived in Tooele, Utah for almost a year now. I really like it out here. It’s one of the fastest growing populations in Utah. I’m not aware of any silo on the “Double K Ranch”. I’ll keep my eye out for it, though. I wonder if in the series they’ll get to Tooele and find the money. It will be interesting to see how they portray our growing town on TV.

“Prison Break” is a show that I can slightly identify with since I worked at the jail as a Corrections Officer for two years. Heather probably gets annoyed with how many times I say, “There is no way that would happen!” But I probably say just about as much, “They got that right.” As a result, the show is probably not the most wholesome show I ever watched, but it is quite suspensful. Heather says she hates it because they’re always on the verge of getting caught; but that’s what makes the show exciting. It looks like tonight they may have actually escaped! We’ve been waiting the entire season for this moment.

Just 6 months ago I visited my first dentist in Tooele. I was shocked to find out that I had 9 cavities!

I have a bad history with dentists starting when I was two years old and had to have all of my teeth capped because I was allergic to milk which broke down all my protective enamel. Until I was five or so, I had silver-capped teeth. By the time my permanent teeth came in, the damage had been done. Since then I have had many cavities, including one crown. To add to the damage, I broke my jaw in 1994 and had to have my jaw re-broken and reset during surgery and then wired shut for several weeks.

Despite all my problems with dentists and my apprehension, I was always a “man” about it and never asked for gas. But when I heard that I had 9, the tough-act was officially over. During the four hour procedure (I wanted to get it over with in one go) I experienced “laughing gas” for the first time. It was pure bliss. Suddenly, the dentist was my best friend.

I remember two things about the experience. (Actually, I remember EVERYTHING about the experience; it seems Nitrous Oxide has that effect on most people). Number one was that I felt as though I couldn’t do anything that would make the dentist suspect that I was getting too much gas. No matter what, I didn’t want them to turn it off. As a result, I tried really hard not to laugh at their jokes. I heard that feeling the uncontrollable urge to laugh was a sign that you were being overdosed, but again, because my fear was that they would take it away, I kept it to myself. This fear prevailed to some degree during the entire procedure.

They had to change tanks on me early in the procedure and I was back to normal for a few minutes. When they hooked up the second tank I remember not feeling the effects and I was pretty certain it wasn’t working. I let them know that I wasn’t feeling it like I was before. They fixed the problem, but in their attempt they turned the gas up way too high. The rest of the time was spent fighting off some nasty effects due to overdose as well as enjoying being at the dentist when I wasn’t being overdosed.

The other prevailing thought during the procedure was that I kept reminding myself that I couldn’t forget to tell the dentist and his assistant how much I loved them. They were the ones responsible for providing me with this wonderful feeling and it was them who I had to thank. I wanted to give them both a big hug, but I knew it would be inappropriate. On the way out of the dentist’s office, the feeling to give the dentist had subsided now that I was breathing oxygen, but I still gave him a “you rock” on the way out. That probably gave me away as someone who liked Nitrous Oxide a little too much.

Some other notable experiences I had while I was “under the influence”. My visual senses were extremely enhanced. Everything I looked at appeared to be right in front of my face. For example, I could read the tiny text on the lamp hanging over my head and I had absolutely no inhibitions about looking the dentist and his assistant directly in the eyes. I felt as though they couldn’t see me looking at them because I wasn’t directly looking at them. My pupils didn’t move when I looked around; it was almost an out-of-body experience. When I looked in their eyes I could see extreme details in their pupils.

I also had some auditory sensations that were actually kind of annoying. The radio was on and I remember hearing the verses repeat and echo and loop and pulse. The pulsing would start out slow and then get faster and faster. It got really annoying and then I felt like I had just passed out and I was coming to.

One other effect was when they took a break for a little while. They left the gas on and I was ecstatic that I’d get to experience the gas while just laying there in pure comfort. I must have been breathing better through my nose during this period, because this is when I had the most severe effect of overdose. I remember the radio effect occurring again, but I quickly slipped into a nightmare that I used to have after having a seizure. (I used to have seizure when I was 12 and 13 and when I had them at night I knew I had had one because it always came with one of two horrible dreams.)

The first dream (nightmare) was that I in the ocean and a huge cruise ship was heading straight for me. The captain on board was yelling something and the ship was far away on the horizon. Then the ship would jump forward and forward and then be right on top of me. Then it would be back on the horizon and then forward and forward and right on top of me, each time faster and faster. This happened over and over again, hence the nightmare.

The second nightmare occurs with me in a one-room log cabin. I’m in the middle of the room and suddenly the roof starts to cave in on me. I can see each log as it falls towards me and they fall faster and faster and over and over. I can see each log and I begin to count them. Pretty soon they are falling too fast to count and they continue to fall.

The nightmare I slipped into while being overdosed at the dentist was the first one with the cruise ship. I must have made some noise or started to move around because the next thing I know the person who they had come over to watch me said something to the assistant and the assistant asked “Are you doing ok over there?” I forced myself to coherence and tried my best to answer coherently (kind of like being woken up by the phone but trying to talk like you’re half asleep) and said, “Yeah, I’m fine. Doing good.” I was so thankful that they said something because it snapped me out of that nightmare, but at the same time I was scared they would turn the gas off.

I soon learned that I could regulate my exposure by breathing through my mouth when I felt like I was getting too much and breathe through my nose when I wasn’t getting enough. This technique helped me not to feel any negative side-effects for the rest of the procedure. I only wish I had figured that out sooner.

Despite the negative effects, I still thoroughly enjoyed the experience and joked with my wife that I couldn’t wait to have another cavity. It was just a joke, though! And come to find out that I have 8 cavities after today’s dentist appointment!! How is that possible?

The hygienist commended me on how well I brushed and flossed today. She noted that there was very little plaque build-up and announced to another hygienist that I was a model example of how someone with good oral hygiene keeps good care of their teeth and gums. My poster-child status was short-lived when the dentist entered the picture. He looked at the x-ray and started off, “He has an MO on 13, a DL on 3″ and on and on and on. (Just like the nightmares!) The more he talked, the more upset I got. I couldn’t understand how I have that many cavities just 6 months after getting 9 cavities filled! Heather suggested that it might be all the pop I drink. Maybe she’s onto something there.

The other thing that happened at the dentist today was the fuss they made about me circling “yes” on the question, “Has anyone ever told you that you have a heart murmur?” I remember that during my physical to enter the police academy back in 2000, the doctor asked me, “Has anyone told you that you have a heart murmur?” Nobody had, but she informed me that I had. It seemed to me as though it was just a side note and she told me it wasn’t anything to be concerned about and that a lot of people have heart murmurs. I had no idea the fuss they would make over it when I circled “yes”. I tried to change my answer, but they wouldn’t let me!

They told me that when you have a heart murmur you have to take antibiotics an hour before even something as small as a cleaning. I told them I had never had to do that and that I was pretty sure I had circled “yes” to that question at my last dentist and they didn’t do anything about it. They finally met me half way and gave me antibiotic, but didn’t wait an hour.

I told the dentist about my locking jaw; one of the side effects of my jaw surgery. (The other one is complete numbness in my lower-right lip fading down to my chin and jaw-line.) I told him that they usually have to force my jaw shut which is pretty uncomfortable. He suggested that I take a Valium an hour before coming in. So the next experience should be REALLY fun. Gas and Valium. I should be in la-la land. He’s not comfortable doing 8 cavities in one sitting so he suggested we split them up into several sessions. I wasn’t a fan of that idea because of the extra cost of gas each time. He said that he would send the nose piece home with me (apparently the biggest cost of getting gas) and that he would throw in the gas for the rest of the sessions if that was my only concern. Sounded like a good deal to me. More opportunities to get the happy gas. (I’m not addicted…I swear!)

For the record, I still hate the dentist.

Now, off I go to brush and floss…apparently for no reason.

I’ve been poking around at the yard work ever since the snow melted off the lawn the first time.  But since then (probably February) snow has found its way onto the ground several times since, the latest being just two days ago on April 6.

I use Scott’s Annual Program [scotts.com] for my lawn and the first application should go on in early Spring, March through April.  It should normally be applied when temperatures are generally above 60 and on a day that’s dry after the lawn has been mowed.  I’m running out of days to apply it, so I may just do it today before the forecasted three or four days of rain that is ahead of us.

It’s been especially wet this year.  I wondered how much I should water my lawn (not that I’m worried about it at all right now) and found that if I use the 1/2 inch rule (make sure your lawn receives 1/2 inch per week) I’ll save a lot of money and water.  You can download a very imformative PDF customized for your Utah area by visiting conservewater.utah.gov.  Hopefully I’ll be able to follow the guidelines and save a lot of water.  Last year when we moved in we had to water a lot to revitalize our dead lawn.  Our water bill was pretty big as a result.  But we probably wasted a lot of water, too.  I found out that if your water is running onto the sidewalk then you need to split up the watering into smaller increments.  That’s good to know and it makes sence.  Sometimes I just have to read it on a website first to believe it.

Other things I need to do is to remove two dead trees in my yard.  One is in the front yard and was dead when we got here.  It turns out the neighbor kids had their way with it when the house was for sale and vacant.  It was reported that they took a hatchet or machete to it “for fun”.

I’m glad that they at least didn’t do what another neighbor kid did to a vacant house directly behind our house.  He decided it would be fun to lob rocks through three windows in the back of the house.  Heather saw him do it and called the police to report the property damage.  A week later the kid and his whole family moved out, much to the delight of the entire neighborhood.  Apparently that was only one of many incidents of hellionism that he had committed.

Now we have two ugly vacant houses behind us.  We need some big 6″ privacy bushes planted all along the back of our fence to conceal the eyesores.  (Add that to the list!  But I’m not doing that today.)

John Stanmeyer was in Aceh, Indonesia [KMZ File for Google Earth] taking pictures of the devastation that occurred at the end of 2004. We’ve all seen it, and it was absolutely tragic. When we got our own small version of a natural disaster in the form of Hurricane Katrina, we could relate to what it means to be displaced. I can only hope that we (New Orleans) can relate to the “after” photos [viiphoto.com] that were taken recently in Aceh by John and compared to the original. They are brilliant and they couldn’t have been planned.

John went back to the place of the original photos and simply took a picture in the same angle as the first. He couldn’t have predicted what it would look like just over a year after the tsunami, but it’s inspiring to see that people CAN overcome!!! And most likely they did it without a lot of heavy equipment and fancy tools. Pure willpower and human spirit rebuilt what could have been looked upon as hopeless and lost. And it didn’t take years to do (although I’m sure there are still places that need work) and I was especially impressed with how the earth made itself new and beautiful by comparison in such a short period of time.

Another project that is quite similar can be found on the Warshooter Blog [warshooter.com] which is where I found the link to John’s photos. I’m so impressed with the skill of the photographers to be able to shoot the photos at the exact angle that they took them at over a year ago.

This morning I was looking out our front window whilst waiting for my ride to work and looking at the beautiful snow-capped mountains of Tooele. I thought of how cool it would be to take photographs, snapshots in time, of the beauty that surrounds me and share it with the world. Then I realized that I’m not a professional photographer and the moment passed. But seeing these picture today inspired me again to pick up a camera and take pictures. But now reality has set in again…and the moment has passed. I guess I’ll stick to video.

I had to add a new category to my blog tonight because the others just didn’t do this justice. To me this was “Inspiring”. Give me your thoughts on the change! Is it just me or is this an unbelievable testament and example that no matter how bad it gets, we can get out from under it and not let it overcome us! If ever I have a bad day, I need only to look at the piles of garbage in these pictures and the wastelands of mud and then compare it to only a year later where the garbage has been taken away and the mud has been overcome by new life. Never lose hope, it can always get better.